I haven't posted in months because I didn't want to report my ongoing failure, or worse, my ongoing lack of commitment. But here I am, letting you know I'm still alive and struggling forward. Struggling counts, because at least it's still trying. So here goes, a little note I posted in my Facebook page:
I have insulin resistance, which means my fat cells are too fat to metabolize normal levels of insulin. My tired little pancreas has to pump out more insulin to get past the resistance. I get dizzy, weak and very sleepy as my blood-glucose continues to rise. Then my fat fat cells' flood gates open and slurp up all the crazy amounts of insulin, causing a necessary but sharp drop in blood sugar. I bottom out, suddenly starved to death (I must eat immediately at that point!) and feel much more alert, but start to get the dizzy shakes from needing to eat. Once I eat something (anything!), I start to feel better. Then the cycle starts all over again.
I've failed in the struggle so often without proper health-risk motivation. Now that diabetes is looming and I've hit the over 300lb mark again (yeah, I just admitted that on the Internet), I still haven't figured out the "magic" combination of willpower, food, and support. I've beaten myself up often enough to be wary of proclaiming my next-big-plan to succeed. I've also had enough mini-successes in the mix to know what that feels like, too. And I've lost weight on some amazing recipes I created! (I even did a chronicle of the successes and failures... and recipes. Have a look and eat VERY well-- http://tamarahensonshealthoverhaul.blogspot.com/ )
But I inevitably aim the wrong food at my face and pull the trigger. The various reasons don't matter.
The solution to my problem is simple. To fix my insulin resistance, I must make myself un-fat.
From my past experiences, I must also do this alone. I have let down the other person who already had some success on her diet, by failing in my attempt. I have been influenced by others' lack of focus. I have a thin husband who refuses to live on my health food, and rightfully so. I have many acquaintances who are on-again, off-again dieters. And I would be the only local person I know and like who is actively trying to improve my health. Which means I would have to actively refuse some aspects of my limited social time (eating junk), which usually makes it awkward for my non-dieting friends. I have expenses which make it difficult to consistently keep healthful food in my house. I have many pulls on my time that keep me from it.
However, I know what works in me to make this happen. I know what doesn't work. So I need to do what works, avoid what doesn't, and put my nose to the grindstone and stop listening to those who would intentionally or unintentionally sabotage me.
For those who are in a similar situation, please tell me... What has worked for you?